Right now I feel fine but that can change on a dime. One wrong thing said. One wrong look and my defenses are up. One wrong word and I am in tears. Been thinking a lot lately about calling my family doctor and making an appointment to talk to them about how awful I feel. How confused, upset, angry and just discouraged. We went to whole foods last night, one of our favorite places to just go, walk around and eat. By the time we had walked through half the store I was in tears. My mood had just dropped off into this deep dark whole and I spent the rest of the evening trying to dig my way out. Then my brain started going. How long will it be before everyone gets tired of being around me and my mood swings, and they just don’t want to anymore, despite what they say now? How long will it be before my kids are going to get tired of me being the one that takes the fun out of anything we do and just don’t want to do anything with me anymore? Before they can’t wait to move out on their own, which for our son isn’t long anyway, and our daughter is right behind him, and they don’t have to see this every single day? How long before I find myself all by myself with a bunch of cats because they don’t know? They will love me as long as I feed, water them and keep their potty boxes clean. All these thoughts just upset me more than I started out and the hole just gets darker and deeper and I don’t know how to stop it.
I don’t want to go, but I made the appointment today. I don’t have a problem with taking a pill if it’s going to help. Nothing else is now. I don’t care about the stigma attached to having to take a pill. I just want to feel normal. I want to have the desire to do anything at all aside from sitting my ass in this chair all the time because just the thought of doing anything else is to exhausting.
I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this for the same reason any different than anyone else does. To clear my brain.
Don’t jump. Be patient. Be kind. Take things with a grain of salt but don’t let someone trample you, or abuse you. You never know what is going on inside someone else. They could be smiling on the outside and in utter turmoil on the inside. You never know what’s going on in someone’s life that may be causing their bad day or their unhappiness. A kind word, a smile, encouragement, a conversation. All things that go a long way.