I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything on here. I guess I haven’t had much to say, but this is something I wrote off of my the top of my head.
The butterflies stop their flutter,
The sun ceases to shine.
Tidal waves of sadness,
Longing for passing time.
Wishing I was with you,
Wondering what you do,
Knowing you were feeling,
The same way I feel to.
But, our time is right around the corner,
It’s only a matter of time.
When we can be together,
I’ll be yours,
And you’ll be mine.
So, it’s not goodbye my love,
It’s until I see you again.
When I can feel your arms around me,
Snuggling me right in.
When I make friends, and trust me when I say that is not an easy thing for me to do, since I have some serious trust issues. I could give you the big sob story as to why I have these issues, but I will spare you those details. Suffice it to say, I have been hurt, a lot by people I trusted and leave it at that. That being said, it takes a lot for me to let people in and let them close enough to actually get to know me. The real, dorky, silly, loving, me. So, if I consider you a friend, and not just an acquaintance you are someone I will spend time with, someone I will talk to, really talk to, and tell you what is going on in my life, which I keep pretty close to the vest, then I trust you. So I don’t expect you to rub it in my face when things go easy for you, because I wouldn’t do it to you. I don’t expect you to do what we are doing and have it go smoothly for you, and have you brag about it, as you watch me struggle, and you pretend to be my friend. Like you care about what is really going on in my life. I will be happy for you. I will cheer you on, because that is the kind of person I am. I guess that’s what makes you and I so different. We have had fun. We have laughed, and we have cried. But it always seems to be the same. I am there for you but you are never there for me. It’s a one sided friendship and it always has been and I don’t know why I am still in it. You act like you care, and it’s a good act to, I have to admit, but you don’t. Actions speak louder than words, and right now, your words just hurt.
I love it when the weather changes, and I know I am not the only one. It motivates me to get moving instead of sitting in the chair, with my computer in my lap, facebook loaded but not posting anything, re-reading things I have already read three, maybe four times as I toggle back and forth between that, and my blog where I have nothing to write about so it just stares at me, blank page taunting. The longer I sit the more tired I get. The more unmotivated I feel to get up and move. Do the dishes, the laundry, something!!!!
The last couple days the temperature has been higher. The sun has been shining and I am anxious to get up and go! This morning, I had breakfast, made the bed, a task I don’t mind but find pointless since I will be redoing it all tonight, but when you live in a camper, leaving the bed down takes up way to much space. Washed clothes, and dishes, not at the same time nor in the same water, and went for a mile walk. I feel good today. Chipper. Ready to take on the world, and excited to go to book club and do other things!
Perspective means a lot. I could make the sun shine on cloudy days, maybe not literally but figuratively, but changing my attitude and making myself move and feel like I do when it is actually shining. It helps when you have people around who make you happy and motivated, so hang on tight to those who do that for you! (shout out! you know who you are!)
Two days now I have sat here and opened up this blank page to write and for two days I can not think of one interesting thing to say. I read other people’s blogs and I am like, “Wow, that is really good, and profound, and why the heck can’t I write like that?” There is so much going on in the world right now so yes I could write about how I feel about it, but who wants to read that? We see enough bad, just turn on the news! No point in rehashing. The Olympics…..I like the skating. So, there ya go! It’s like the cursor on Facebook blinking at me saying …”What’s on your mind Christine?” Well, I don’t know or I would tell you! Leave me alone!! Too much pressure!!! Maybe I need to leave the house more so I can do things and actually have something to write about…..now, there’s an idea! Or is it interesting to know that we went grocery shopping, which I strongly dislike doing, that we bought 17 bags of self rising flour for a charitable donation today, and went for a two mile walk. Ate dinner and fell asleep on the couch while reading a book. Calm down, dear reader!! I can feel the excitement as your reading this! Or is that snoring I hear?…..Maybe I can come up with something brilliant and profound tomorrow. It is another day after all!
I am getting older now and with that certain things change. Much to my dismay, let me tell ya! My stomach tends to be much touchier, which I hate because I love food. My temper has always been short, like me, as my son would say, because that’s what all his jokes are based around where I am concerned. But, now things to set me off a little faster and in a more intense fashion. Explosive might be a good way of putting it. I try to tame it down, but it’s literally an everyday battle. All these things I can deal with. But I am experiencing something here that I dislike much more than the things I have already listed. I feel like I am on fire from the inside out! I don’t have to be doing anything at all, just sitting in my favorite chair and all sudden I feel like my face is going to explode. Like someone filled my veins with gasoline and lit a match. Not to mention waking up sweaty. Yes, I realize it’s been warmer out lately, but I sleep in a camper and it’s not exactly hot out there. I know this goes along with getting older, and being a woman. But nobody said I had to be happy about it!
On the upside. I don’t actually have a problem with it, number wise. I know it’s inevitable. and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. So, I have resigned myself to be okay with it because lots of good comes from getting older. The kids are older and even though they will always need us, they don’t need us for every little thing like they did when they were small. Now I can leave the house without worrying about them. Free’s me to take on new things, go new places and sometimes by myself! Actually have conversations with them that adults would have, (cuz they are a lot smarter than I am)..and as much as I want to keep them with me forever, I look forward to seeing what they do when they are all grown up. What kind of career they take on, what the world opens up to them, and what it opens up to me. Like maybe not being so reclusive.
So, getting older isn’t all that bad. But I would like to put out the fire!
I want to sleep because when I sleep I don’t feel,
But sometimes I dream, and that’s not good either.
I want to sleep because I don’t want to be awake
because being awake means having to deal with the hard things.
I want to sleep so I am not awake,
but I don’t want to die
because I am not ready to be dead yet.
Nothing to exciting to report on my end of the world…just a bunch of the same. To cold to be out in Camper Land, so we stole out son’s bed, much to his dismay. He’ll get over it or we will freeze. Then he would be without clean clothes, food, and go outside without his shoes on, half naked. He’s just that kind of kid..Smart but sometimes lacking in the common sense department. (I think he gets if from his dad but don’t tell him I said that =-) )….Our daughter is the polar opposite. At a very mature seventeen, she is the adult of the family while the rest of us act like we don’t have a damn clue. She tells us when we are doing something wrong, when we shouldn’t say the things we do, which is quite often, and what’s right and what’s wrong. Not that we don’t know, it’s just sometimes we don’t care. And she does it from such a pure, you should do right and be good people, place. She amazes me. Both of them do.
But nobody tells you how hard it’s going to be raising kids and if you do it right, they turn out to be self sufficient adults who are kind and caring people. Or how hard it’s going to be when they “leave the nest” for the first time. Are they warm enough, have they eaten, are they okay, is something going on they haven’t told their parents about because they are adults now and they don’t want to make us worry? UGGG! The thought terrifies me. I know it’s right around the corner. But I don’t have to like it!