Not goodbye

I know it’s been awhile since I posted anything on here. I guess I haven’t had much to say, but this is something I wrote off of my the top of my head.

The butterflies stop their flutter,

The sun ceases to shine.

Tidal waves of sadness,

Longing for passing time.

Wishing I was with you,

Wondering what you do,

Knowing  you were feeling,

The same way I feel to.

But, our time is right around the corner,

It’s only a matter of time.

When we can be together,

I’ll be yours,

And you’ll be mine.

So, it’s not goodbye my love,

It’s until I see you again.

When I can feel your arms around me,

Snuggling me right in.

 

Sheep in Wolf’s clothing

When I make friends, and trust me when I say that is not an easy thing for me to do, since I have some serious trust issues. I could give you the big sob story as to why I have these issues, but I will spare you those details. Suffice it to say, I have been hurt, a lot by people I trusted and leave it at that. That being said, it takes a lot for me to let people in and let them close enough to actually get to know me. The real, dorky, silly, loving, me. So, if I consider you a friend, and not just an acquaintance you are someone I will  spend time with, someone I will  talk to, really talk to, and tell you what is going on in my life, which I keep pretty close to the vest, then I trust you. So I don’t expect you to rub it in my face when things go easy for you, because I wouldn’t do it to you. I don’t expect you to do what  we are doing and have it go smoothly for you, and have you brag about it, as you watch me struggle, and you pretend to be  my friend. Like you care about what is really going on in my life.  I will be happy for you. I will cheer you on, because that is the kind of person I am. I guess that’s what makes you and I so different. We have had fun. We have laughed, and we have cried. But it always seems to be the same. I am there for you but you are never there for me. It’s a one sided friendship and it always has been and I don’t know why I am still in it. You act like you care, and it’s a good act to, I have to admit, but you don’t. Actions speak louder than words, and right now, your words just hurt.

Whether the sun shines or not!

I love it when the weather changes, and I know I am not the only one. It motivates me to get moving instead of sitting in the chair, with my computer in my lap, facebook loaded but not posting anything, re-reading things I have already read three, maybe four times as I toggle back and forth between that, and my blog where I have nothing to write about so it just stares at me, blank page taunting. The longer I sit the more tired I get. The more unmotivated I feel to get up and move. Do the dishes, the laundry, something!!!!

The last couple days the temperature has been higher. The sun has been shining and I am anxious to get up and go!  This morning, I had breakfast, made the bed, a task I don’t mind but find pointless since I will be redoing it all tonight, but when you live in a camper, leaving the bed down takes up way to much space. Washed clothes, and dishes, not at the same time nor in the same water, and went for a mile walk. I feel good today. Chipper. Ready to take on the world, and excited to go to book club and do other things!

Perspective means a lot. I could make the sun shine on cloudy days, maybe not literally but figuratively, but changing my attitude and making myself move and feel like I do when it is actually shining. It helps when you have people around who make you happy and motivated, so hang on tight to those who do that for you! (shout out! you know who you are!)

Boooorrring!

Two days now I have sat here and opened up this blank page to write and for two days I can not think of one interesting thing to say. I read other people’s blogs and I am like, “Wow, that is really good, and profound, and why the heck can’t I write like that?” There is so much going on in the world right now so yes I could write about how I feel about it, but who wants to read that? We see enough bad, just turn on the news! No point in rehashing.  The Olympics…..I like the skating. So, there ya go! It’s like the cursor on Facebook blinking at me saying …”What’s on your mind Christine?” Well, I don’t know or I would tell you! Leave me alone!! Too much pressure!!! Maybe I need to leave the house more so I can do things and actually have something to write about…..now, there’s an idea! Or is it interesting to know that we went grocery shopping, which I strongly dislike doing, that we bought 17 bags of self rising flour for a charitable donation today, and went for a two mile walk. Ate dinner and fell asleep on the couch while reading a book. Calm down, dear reader!! I can feel the excitement as your reading this! Or is that snoring I hear?…..Maybe I can come up with something brilliant and profound tomorrow. It is another day after all!

The Inevitable!

I am getting older now and with that certain things change. Much to my dismay, let me tell ya! My stomach tends to be much touchier, which I hate because I love food. My temper has always been short, like me, as my son would say, because that’s what all his jokes are based around where I am concerned. But, now things to set me off a little faster and in a more intense fashion. Explosive might be a good way of putting it. I try to tame it down, but it’s literally an everyday battle. All these things I can deal with. But I am experiencing something here that I dislike much more than the things I have already listed. I feel like I am on fire from the inside out! I don’t have to be doing anything at all, just sitting in my favorite chair and all sudden I feel like my face is going to explode. Like someone filled my veins with gasoline and lit a match. Not to mention waking up sweaty. Yes, I realize it’s been warmer out lately, but I sleep in a camper and it’s not exactly hot out there. I know this goes along with getting older, and being a woman. But nobody said I had to be happy about it!

On the upside. I don’t actually have a problem with it, number wise. I know it’s inevitable.  and there isn’t anything I can do to stop it. So, I have resigned myself to be okay with it because lots of good comes from getting older. The kids are older and even though they will always need us, they don’t need us for every little thing like they did when they were small. Now I can leave the house without worrying about them. Free’s me to take on new things, go new places and sometimes by myself! Actually have conversations with them that adults would have, (cuz they are a lot smarter than I am)..and as much as I want to keep them with me forever, I look forward to seeing what they do when they are all grown up. What kind of career they take on, what the world opens up to them, and what it opens up to me. Like maybe not being so reclusive.

So, getting older isn’t all that bad. But I would like to put out the fire!

Sleep

I want to sleep because when I sleep I don’t feel,

But sometimes I dream, and that’s not good either.

I want to sleep because I don’t want to be awake

because being awake means having to deal with the hard things.

I want to sleep so I am not awake,

but I don’t want to die

because I am not ready to be dead yet.

They grow up so fast!

Nothing to exciting to report on my end of the world…just a bunch of the same. To cold to be out in Camper Land, so we stole out son’s bed, much to his dismay. He’ll get over it or we will freeze. Then he would be without clean clothes, food, and go outside without his shoes on, half naked. He’s just that kind of kid..Smart but sometimes lacking in the common sense department. (I think he gets if from his dad but don’t tell him I said that =-) )….Our daughter is the polar opposite. At a very mature seventeen, she is the adult of the family while the rest of us act like we don’t have a damn clue. She tells us when we are doing something wrong, when we shouldn’t say the things we do, which is quite often, and what’s right and what’s wrong. Not that we don’t know, it’s just sometimes we don’t care. And she does it from such a pure, you should do right and be good people, place. She amazes me. Both of them do.

But nobody tells you how hard it’s going to be raising kids and if you do it right, they turn out to be self sufficient adults who are kind and caring people. Or how hard it’s going to be when they “leave the nest” for the first time. Are they warm enough, have they eaten, are they okay, is something going on they haven’t told their parents about because they are adults now and they don’t want to make us worry? UGGG! The thought terrifies me. I know it’s right around the corner. But I don’t have to like it!

Win the war one battle at a time.

I don’t like admitting that there is in fact something wrong with me. It’s something that is out my control.  Something I have had to deal with all of  my adult life but never admitted to until recently. When I couldn’t fix it myself anymore. All the things that I use to do weren’t working, and I couldn’t function on a daily basis. So, even though I have been told forever to go to the doctor, I am one of those kind of people who have to come to a breaking point. The point where I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and I went. He asked me a bunch of questions, a fairly painless process, we talked and he prescribed me two new medicines to try, and told me I had to meet him halfway. Meaning, I could not hole up at home and wait for them to start working. I had to keep doing things, going places.  It’s been six days and I can tell a world of difference. I feel human again.

Thee is nothing wrong with asking for help, no matter the situation. It should not have taken me as long as it did, knowing that is what I should have done a long long time ago. Everyday is a battle. It doesn’t matter if you have depression or anxiety, it’s a battle just trying to live a good life and be a good person, but I can tell you that if you have to deal with all of that together, it’s too much.  I felt like I was fighting a losing one and I was all alone. I know I wasn’t, but knowing and feeling were two different things. So I have to take medicine.Not something I am good at remembering to do.I will admit, I didn’t want to at first, but I don’t want to miss anything. My kids are growing so fast, and will be out on their own soon so I want to spend as much time with them as I can. Not fighting this battle because I don’t want to take a pill….or three….not worth it!

Roller Coasters & Love

Anyone who has ever been in love, knows how wonderful it is, and how many things go into actually having it happen. First you have to find the right person. A very important starting point, otherwise the whole thing is moot. After that, you spend time together. Getting to know that person. Their likes, dislikes. Favorite color, and foods. How many things you have in common until you are so comfortable around that person, you feel like you can talk to, and say anything to them. You find yourself wondering what they are doing when your not with them. Are they thinking about you as much as you think about them? The butterflies take flight in your stomach and you smile at the mere thought of seeing them again. You share thoughts, feelings, laughs and tears, and eventually a first kiss. They become your best friend. Your rock,  until it becomes to hard to be away from them for any amount of time.

Love is one of the most  wonderful roller coasters of life a person could ever ride on. All the ups, downs, twists and turns,  are well worth the if you have the right person to ride it with.

Daily Prompt: Dominant

via Daily Prompt: Dominant

I read the hints on the daily prompts article and decided to just run with whatever goes through my head.

So the only thing I can think of when I see the word dominant is strong. Dominant male. Why? I guess because that’s how I have always heard it used. Then a pride of lions comes to mind (it is a pride right? I guess I could have looked that up). The big bad male that struts around like he’s the biggest baddest dude in the neighborhood. With his “don’t mess with this”persona. (No offense to the men.)….protecting his “ladies” from harm and other males who might be sniffing around. Then the fight ensues. Two males all tangled up snarling, biting, and fighting, dust flying everywhere. The  dominant one wins, and life backs back to normal while the other lion slinks off in shame plopping himself down under a shade tree to plan his next battle.

So, that is where my writer’s brain took this prompt..Don’t ask me why. I have no idea…No great message or word of advice. Just a random, off the top of my head post!